Where are you Christmas?

Hello, dear readers.  Thanks for keeping up with me. I want to give you a brief update before I spill my thoughts for the night.....

I am currently writing from my mother's cozy little home in Tennessee.  I had come home December 8, earlier than I planned, to see a gynecologist so they could decide whether or not I needed surgery to take out the cyst that was previous 8 cm in diameter.  Fortunately, after my doctor's appointment, I found out that my cyst has strunk significantly, and I will not need surgery right now!  I go back in January to see how it is progressing.

I sometimes wonder if I overreacted to the whole ordeal, but I am thankful to know that I am okay and to have doctors graciously work with me here to get better.  Although I miss being in Nicaragua terribly, I have enjoyed a time to be with my family and to rest.

However, I have had a really hard time getting into the "holiday spirit" this year.  Usually, Christmas is "the most wonderful time of the year."  I have fond memories of childhood Christmases getting ready for Santa, Christmas parties, singing Christmas carols, watching the same Christmas movies over and over, decorating the tree, making cookies and other confections, etc.  I have always enjoyed and still enjoy picking out presents and giving them to the ones I love.  The presents I receive are always wonderful and more than I could have ever asked or needed; they usually clothe me, provide for me, or bring me joy for the coming year. 

Yet this year I have mixed feelings about Christmas. To start with, and to be honest, I didn't know how I was going to buy Christmas presents this year.  I always want to buy my loved ones the best gifts and exactly what they want.  Of course, we always set a price of what "valuable" gifts are, whether the receiver knows how much you pay for it or not.  Thankfully, my family members have been so good to me and have more than helped me out, which I do not deserve.  I am all more than grateful to be able to get and give these things, but something about it all stirred up an unsettling sense of self worth.  I guess I feel bad about myself because I had to borrow and be dependant on my family members. I feel like, too, that this society has misfigured the value of how much you care about someone into the amount that we buy.  And because of this, not being able to buy more from my own earnings has made me feel like I am undervaluing the ones I love. I know this isn't right, and I know this feeling is lie planted by the enemy.

I also have mixed feelings about our values and traditions since coming from another country where I am observing different values and traditions.  In Nicaragua, there are two distinct groups of denominations:  Catholics and Evangelical Christians.  Catholics celebrate a holidays in honor of their saints just about every other day.  The biggest holiday is the celebration of the Immaculate Conception of Mary, which is celebrated December 7.  On that day, the ones celebrating make extravangant altars around a statue of the Virgen Mary in their homes and businesses.  That night, fireworks go off and people fill the streets like Halloween going door to door asking for candy.  Those celebrating the occassion stand in their doorways, and when someone comes to their doorway they ask, "Que es la causa de tanta alegria? (What is the cause of such happiness?"  The "trick or treaters" respond, "La concepcion de Maria!" (The conception of Mary!).  Then, the host/hostess give them candy.

My last day before coming to the States, I was able to observe this tradition.  Earlier that day, I had to go buy my medicines at different pharmacies to stock up for my trip. In one pharmacy, the pharmacist had set up a little altar for Mary and was giving out candy.  Even though I didn't say anything, the woman gave me some candy and insisted that I take it.  So I took it and was about to eat it when the person who was with me told me not to eat it.  Later, that person, who is an Evangelical Christian, told me that eating the candy would be eating food that is offered to idols, which the Bible warns about not doing.

Evangelical Christians in Nicaragua are those that aren't Catholic, so Pentecostal, Baptist, Assemblies of God, etc.  These are the Christians that I congregate with, work with, have relationships with, and I consider myself to be one as well.  Evangelical Christians in Nicaragua don't really celebrate Christmas or any other holiday.  They might buy toys for the kids or exchange presents, but rarely would you see them put up trees, sing Christmas songs, or talk about Santa.  In fact, I wonder what they would think about our traditions.  From talking to some, I believe that they would think our putting presents at the feet of tree, setting out stockings and cookies for Santa, and talking and singing about imaginary characters would be idolatrous.  These traditions aren't Biblical and aren't adoring God or Christ, but rather man made things.

I know this is unnerving to many of you who are reading, and maybe that is why it is so unnerving to me.  For so long, I loved and adored a tradition that has brought so much joy to me and my family.  However, I fear if these traditions are honoring to God.  If we look up the root of our practices, most of them come from rituals honoring other gods.  Our God is a jealous God and He warns about worshiping other gods and making idols out of our hands (see Deutoronomy 5:7-8 and Jeremiah 10:2-4).  I want to honor God because I love Him. I also don't want us as Christians to be ignorant (see Hosea 4:6).

However, as Christians, we celebrate Christmas as the remembrance of Christ coming into the world.  We do sing praises and adorations.  We remember how He humbly came and made His presence among us.  We share the love that He gives us by celebrating together, loving on family and friends, and being generous to those in need.  So this is where I am confused.... I see the people that I look up to and admire and love doing these things.  Our churches and our pastors that I highly respect practice these things. Does that make it okay?  I know that celebrating or not celebrating does not make me any more or less a Christian. 

Paul talks a little about this in Colossians 2.  In verse 8, he says, "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of the world rather than on Christ."  He goes on to explain that Christ is God in bodily form and only by Him and His sacrifice are we forgiven from our sins and given new life through faith in the power of God, clearly stating that no act of ours makes us any more or less righteous.  Then, he goes on to say, "Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.  These are a shadow of the things to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ." (v.16-17)

I don't want to judge myself or others, because only One can judge and only by His acts are we saved.  I am just in the search for truth in my life.... pure and unadulterated.  I want to listen and consider what is truly honoring to Him, and I am in the process of figuring out what that means in my life.  By me sharing all this, I hope that you don't feel judged, condemned, or guilty.  My hope is that maybe together we can be enlightened.  The reality is that there is a Christ that has come and will come again like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap (Malachi 3:2-3)  I want us to be ready for Him now and be refined so that our faith may be proven genuine when He is revealed (1 Peter 1:7).

When There's Nothing Else to Do... Pray and Write

So it's about 4:00 p.m. on a Tuesday, and I have been pretty productive so far today.  I am substituting this week for a English night class, so I went ahead and planned my lesson for tonight.  I also got my wedding "registry" ready; since I can't bring stuff from the U.S., Luis and I took pictures of things that we will need here.  I uploaded those and put the prices and details.  Right now, I don't have anything I need to do. I can't go anywhere because I am by myself in the house, and I have to wait for Patzy to get back.  Luis is on his way back from a job interview in Managua, so he's not here to to entertain me.  I don't have anything to do, but I have too much on my mind to not do anything.  That's why I decided to write, and as I write, I will pray.

The past few weeks has been, for lack of a better word, different.  I haven't had much to do during the week since Tamara and her family aren't here.  Luis and I have spent most of the time together, which has been nice.  On the weekends, I have been pretty busy teaching English on Saturdays and going to El Paraiso for church on Sundays.

Luis, my friend Adriana, and I have been going out early on Sundays to visit some of the members before church service.  I feel like it has helped some, and we had more show up this past Sunday.  It's been difficult, though, because we have been told and seen that some people show up just because they expect something in return.  I guess we all are that way with, God, aren't we?  We only call on Him when we need Him or want something.  I shouldn't expect a new church family to be much different.  It's so hard to lead the service and build an atmosphere of worship when it feels like most are bored to death.  I know a lot of it is based on the heart of the worshippers, because true worshippers worship God in their heart in Spirit and in Truth.  God is Spirit and He is Truth so only He can change their hearts.  Oh, Lord, change my heart to worship you more; pour out your Spirit on your people in El Paraiso and draw them closer to you.

I have been trying to analyze and refocus on my purpose being here in Nicaragua.  I feel like right now God has been really trying to mold and shape me.  He's been teaching me to have faith and to be content in every situation.  It's been a hard lesson. I have had a few family crises over the past couple of weeks that I have had to give over to the Lord because my family is in the US and I am here, not able to help.  I love my family so much, and I have to trust that God loves them more. 

My health hasn't been the best.  Everything started with a bad case of acne which pointed to ovaries on my cysts.  Thankfully, after treatment, most of the cysts in my ovaries have gone away.  However, I have had some pain in my side for the past few weeks, and I found out yesterday that a cyst I had that was the size of a pingpong ball in October is now the size of an orange.  My gynecologist says it needs to be surgically removed. Now, I am trying to decide if I am going to have to surgery here in Nicaragua or at home.  It's cheaper here, but my family wants me to be at home.  Either way, I personally can't pay for the surgery, and I am feeling guilt about my family having to pay.  Oh, Lord, please provide for us.  You can heal and work miracles.

I'm having to give my and Luis's future over to the Lord as well.  Luis is having trouble finding a job in Nicaragua.  Imagine finding a job in the US but 3 times worse... theren't aren't any job in Leon except ones that pay under $200 a month. Those jobs are hard labor jobs, where people are way overworked and underpayed.  Besides Luis wouldn't get hired because he is overqualified for any of those jobs.  I know God has a plan for him; we just don't know what it is yet.

I keep feeling like maybe Luis and I are just supposed to start our own business or organization.  I keep having several ideas run through my mind: a bilingual preschool, a language school, a cafe, a foreign exchange program.  Those are just the gists of my ideas.  Luis and I dream of having our own business, but we are clueless of what to do and where to even start.  God, please give us a vision and direction.

Amist everything I must give thanks.  I know my problems aren't that big, and they are a grain of sand to God.  I am thankful that God loves me and takes care of my problems.  I am thankful that they are part of God's plan for teaching me and preparing me for the future.  I am thankful that I cannot only minister to Nicaraguans but somewhat share in their sufferings. I am thankful that I am still well-fed and provided for.  I am thankful that even if I had nothing here on earth, He has prepared for me a place with everything that I could ever imagine.  I am thankful that in Christ and his divine power I have everything that I need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3).  I am thankful that Christ loved me and gave himself for me.  I am thankful that He has given me a second chance of life and has saved me from death not based on anything that I have done but based on His saving grace.  I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning and that He is faithful (Lamentations 3:23).  I am thankful that nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39).  I am thankful that He has shown me love through my family and my friends.  I am thankful that He has provided me the man of my dreams and has allowed me to be a part of bringing Luis closer to Him.  I am thankful that I have a lot to look forward to in getting married and my life with Luis.

I could go on... but I won't.  The point is that I have more to be thankful for than to complain about, so I should be happy.  I will choose to rejoice in the Lord regardless of any situation.  Lord, may you be glorified. "God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life."- Psalm 51:10 The Message.