It's past my bedtime right now, but my mind is too awake with so many things that have been going on. Therefore, I have decided to blog about it, not only for my therapy but to share with everyone what has been going on so that you may be praying.
Right now, Tamara and David are at the other missionary Cheryl's house. As I might have mentioned before, Cheryl has about 10 Nicaragua kids that live there, most who have some kind of special need. One of them is Juancito who is 10 years old and paralyzed. He choked after someone scared him while he was eating when he was five years old. He has since then been unable to walk, talk, sit up, or hardly eat. This past month, he has been really sick with pneumonia, a throat infection, and occasionally convulsing. Since Cheryl is in the States and won't be back until Monday, the Nicaraguan women that work in the house take care of him but call Tamara when things get worse. Tonight, Juancito is convulsing again; Tamara says he does not look good at all. The women have already taken him to the hospital, but social healthcare doesn't accomplish anything here in Nicaragua and they just sent them home. Tamara and David have taken him to a private clinic, where they are right now. Please say a prayer for Juancito that God will touch his body. Please pray over peace for Tamara and the women taking care of him. Also, say a prayer for Cheryl, too, because I know this is heart wrenching for her to be so far away and to feel so helpless in the situation. She would do anything for Juancito.
So many different things have happened this week that I don't know if I should categorize it as some kind of spiritual attack or just trials for us to go through. Tamara and David have been busy trying to get things together to go home to the states on Tuesday, and that includes getting Milagros exit visa together. Normally, the process is simple and done in a day. However, due to problems with human trafficking in the world, Nicaragua has changed its policies on exit visas which require more paperwork. On top of that, when Tamara thought everything was ready to go, we find out that the lady working at immigration in Leon who was supposed to take care of Mila's paperwork was corrupt and charging more money to push things through. She has been investigated and removed from her position. Then, we find out that they have to have all the other paperwork which requires identification or verification from Mila's birth mother. Thankfully, Tamara and David still occasionally keep in contact with her, but she lives in the middle of no where and doesn't have a cell phone. So, yesterday, Luis and David took a 5 hour trek in the truck to find her mom and get her identification to take to immigration in Managua today. Tamara and David went to Managua this morning only to find out that they lacked another document that had to be signed by Mila's mother. So, they made the other 2 hours back, and later David and a lawyer got together the paperwork and went to find Mila's mom again. David and Tamara are supposed to go to Managua again in the morning. If they do, it will be on a few hours of sleep. Please pray for them. If Mila doesn't get her exit visa, she can't go to the US with her family and would have to stay here for a month, which has never happened before. However, if she had to stay, I doubt that Tamara and David would both leave here so would of them would probably stay with her. We know that God has control of the situation... it's just all very stressful for them.
I personally have felt attacks in different ways, although not as severe. My acne has really been wearing on my self esteem, but thankfully, it's starting to clear up some. I also have had problems with feeling depressed or angry or judgemental towards myself and others. I know those things aren't from God, but the good thing is that He's helping me to bring those things out of me. I am thankful that He has surrounded me with godly people, like Tamara and Luis, to lift me back up and speak truth. He has been speaking to me in His word as well, like in the Beth Moore study James that I participated in with some other missionaries last night. He also has been speaking through other devotionals and people, and it was been a blessing to see and hear.
This morning, since Tamara was in Managua, I led her 4 teenage boys in morning devotions. Each morning, we read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and At His Feet by Chris Tiegreen. Jesus Calling talked about going through difficult times and trusting in God's faithfulness by remembering how He has led us in the past. At His Feet talked about the hard topic of "forgiveness" and how Matthew 6:14-15 says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." It's interesting how the two may coincide because I think often times the hard things we go through and deal with are when people do bad things to us. So the boys and I talked about "What does it mean to forgive?" Does it mean that you pretend like it never happened and forget what that person has done? Do you have to take some action to forgive? Do you have to restore the relationship with that person? Why is it so hard to forgive? Will God really not forgive us if we don't forgive others?
After analyzing it and talking it out, I have decided that forgiveness is more of an attitude and a process. I don't think it means to forget what that person has done or to even trust them again in some cases. I think sometimes telling that person you forgive them is healing, but it's mostly something that is done in the heart. In some cases, relationships should be restored; in others, it might be for the protection of one or both parties if they are not. Forgiveness is hard because it requires us to be humble, which is contrary to our human nature, and it must put aside emotions.
As far as answering my last question, I think about what it cost for God to forgive us: Jesus dying on the cross. And while others were beating Him, hurling insults at Him, gambling for his clothes, and piercing His hands and feet, He said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Jesus, while He was being abused, forgave. But not only is that significant, His words speak it all. The people didn't know or understand what they were doing. After all, that is what sin is all about, right? Sin is like a disease that lives within us that cannot be contained, and we find ourselves acting out the symptoms without giving a second thought to it. When we first come to know Christ, the first step is acknowleding our own sinfulness and our need for a Savior. So part of forgiving others is realizing that the person who has done you wrong is bound and taken captive by sin so that they don't even realize what they are doing. It is evil working in them, and that is a scary concept. Only Christ can clean and change someone from that and give them the power to turn from their wrong. And if they don't turn to Him, they will have to pay the Father for what they have done.
Some might think, "Well, that's what I want. I want that person to pay for what they have done to me." That's when we don't understand and appreciate our redemption from "the wages of death." (Romans 6:23) When we say people should pay, we are saying that we deserve our salvation, but that's not the gospel of grace. We, too, don't realize that Christ not only paid for our sins but for the sins of the world, and we would be devaluing the price of His precious blood.
Forgiveness is hard... so hard that it took God becoming man and breaking His body to forgive us. That's what it takes from us, too... brokenness...a breaking of self and of pride.... a breaking away from emotions and feelings of vengeance. It is a process that lead us to our own cross. However, thankfully, that is something we don't have to do on our own. Jesus is there to help us carry the cross.
I have a million other things I feel like I could write about or share, but I'll save some for another day. I thank God that He is always faithful and at work, even when things look gloomy or hopeless. I am learning to trust that He is in control and knows what He is doing. He always has a way of making beauty out of messes.
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